life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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