I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
