I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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