Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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