i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
