You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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