i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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