I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
