just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
the condom got lost in my hair
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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