genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
