Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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