You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
