I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
