I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
