I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
