Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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