that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
