i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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