you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
