Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
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I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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