Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
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I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
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Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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