My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
