I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
