Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
