Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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