So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
