Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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