i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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