I think I died a long time ago.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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