yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
