respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize