I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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