I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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