yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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