News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
