so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
she looked like the before picture.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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