it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
