Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
