I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Less talking, more tequila
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
