i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
