A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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