I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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