Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
