The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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