Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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