now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
