Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
