happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
