I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
