My hand turned me down
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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