These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
