do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
