He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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