dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
my poor anus
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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