dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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