Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
