I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
wow bdsm is so cute
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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