I think my vagina is haunted
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
