I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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