There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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